Friday, December 12, 2008

Yankees to sign Lord and Savior

New York, New York
by Gabriel Zaldivar

It seems the rich just keep getting richer. It looks as though the New York Yankees will have the aid of yet another veteran journeyman. Jesus Christ of heaven has reportedly signed a seven-year, 180 million dollar contract.

Jesus "el saviorrrr" Christ has been a symbol of peace and goodwill for over 2,000 years. On the recent move Jesus relayed "It sorta just fell into place you know? I never really wanted to play in New York with all the hustle and bustle but come on 180 mil?"

Some critics see the acquisition as yet further evidence to the Yankees evil empire stature. Boston native, Red Sox fan, and all-around nice guy Jimmy Durantes was quoted as saying, "Jesus (expletive deleted), I don't (expletive deleted) what he or any other (expletive deleted) at your (expletive deleted) mother," which pretty much sums up the feelings across the nation.

Yankees GM Brian Cashman seemed thoroughly pleased with his signing. It seems, however, that their pursuit of high priced talent may not be over, "We like Jesus. So we got Jesus. But we are always looking to bolster our lineup. We have been talking to the likes of Buddha, Muhammad, and whomever the Jews have been waiting around for. As the GM of the Yankees it really is my job to sign everyone in the whole entire universe!"

Jesus Christ is expected to make his first press conference on Monday. "You know I rest on Sunday, so I'll see you all after the weekend. I can't wait to put on the famed uniform...not to be an asshole but I look pretty good in pinstripes." Yes you do Jesus, Yes you do.

Friday, December 5, 2008

De La Hoya v. Pacquiao

I remember growing up and watching fights with my dad. The family would gather around and eat pizza and watch artistic pugilists enact a time honored sport. However, the amount of fights that garnered my father's will to purchase pay-per-view grew less and less. Sadly, my will to sit around and watch TV while eating has only grown.

Boxing is a dying sport. It would be easy to defer blame to MMA and it's growth in the past decade. This would ignore the fact that Boxing has been in decline for a number of years. Most attribute this to two glaring inadequacies in the boxing arena.

1) Less quality fighters are born and raised in America. There are currently no American heavyweight title holders. This is the class that once sold tickets and pay-per-views with ease. Marketing a title belt between a Russian and Nigerian presents a marketing nightmare, unless you are going for the eastern european/ fly swatting demographic.

2) There are too many belts and too little talent. Currently there are four roundly recognized boxing organizations that present titles. The WBO, IBF, WBC, and WBA create such a problem to unified acceptance of relevance that fighters would rather chase a big pay day than a title shot. In this regard modern boxing has become a giant game of Pokemon.

What to look for...

Pacquiao has never fought above 135. Going up a notch takes some sting away from your punches and tends to make solid chins a little less so.

De la Hoya tends to get lulled to sleep when he has to chase a fighter, so it goes without saying that Pacquiao's up close fight style could run detriment to the Filipino. He will be inside with speed but very susceptible to a jab that has been absent from De la Hoya's more recent fights.

Many think this will be something of a a show as both fighters will initiate contact. You never can tell though.

The fight against Floyd Mayweather Jr. was supposed to be this century's first great one. It turned out to be a strategic snooze fest. Not many realize this but that fight actually ended after I passed out from a mysterious Coor's Light sickness. Friendly advice, do not play a drinking game which entails drinking whenever Larry Merchant says something either stoopid or borderline retarded.

Bits of Tid III

Just Say No

I love sports. I love athletes. I want to meet athletes. However, if a present or former NFL player ever asks you to hang out, just say no. It has become blatantly obvious to me that NFL players are the rootinest, tootinest people on earth. When they aren't shooting people, dogs, or drugs, they are shooting themselves. So as you enter the weekend, remember to have fun. But most importantly remember, if you see a NFL player, past or present, go home. Some stuff is about to occur.

Keep Your Day Job

After Nordberg was sentenced today, every news organization rushed to give the waiting public some semblance of years that would be served. What became clear was the fact that news organizations are not good with numbers. Three hours later I am still unable to decipher just how long Nordberg will be serving time in jail for beating up Rodney King. All I know is Naked Gun was an awesome trilogy and O.J. can kidnap me anytime. Well at least when he gets out in five, or six, or fifteen, or sixteen, or 33 years.


As the holiday season progresses and the wintry temperature in L.A. dips well below 80 degrees I become entranced in what is soon to be. My predictions for the next couple weeks:

I will gain weight and not realize it until I fall asleep one day from "too many cookies."

America's team, The Dallas Cowboys, will fail to make the playoffs as a special pre-Christmas gift to those Americans that never ever considered this team to be "America's team."

I will wish I had more Mexican friends to watch holiday soccer with.

Manny Ramirez will sign with the Anaheim Angels as the Dodgers look to over pay for someone past their prime.

My readership will jump to two as I decide to read my own blogs.