Fantasy

I had my fantasy baseball keeper league draft this past weekend. One thing I have noticed about fantasy owners, they always think they drafted the best and you drafted the worst. You can follow every mock draft and pick with the precision of a scalpel but you're still an idiot. In the end, the grass always looks greener on your own front yard post draft. So here is the information you didn't ask for:

KEEPERS

The eleven team league I am in is a collection of dudes I have known from college. They range from the obsessed waiver wire pick-up guy to those that lose interest sometime in April. The constant rule is you keep your six best players from the year before. This has posed a detriment to me when I had to keep the likes of Adrian Beltre from lack of star power. This year is different. It just has to be. Because I am horrible at fantasy sports. I am the Washington Nationals of our league. Perennially in last place, it all changes here and now. I feel it with this list of studs:

Matt Kemp
Prince Fielder
Mark Teixeira
Victor Martinez
Brian Roberts
Yovani Gallardo

There it is, speed, pop, and pitching. That's even before I drafted.

DRAFT

This is what separates the men from the boys. Championships are won and lost through season long tinkering but immediate scolding and draft smack talk happens immediately. Here are some of the finer points in this years draft:

- In the first round of the keeper draft Mike starts a closer run by picking three straight closers. This is for lack of a better term, a dick move. No one like drafting closers. They are unreliable messy entities. They are kind of like pubic hairs. Very messy up-keep but everyone has them. So you may have to trim Brad Lidge every once in a while but rest assured this particular pube is on someone's team.

- I take Nate McLouth in the fifth round (13th overall). A great pick until after the draft when I find out he forgot how to hit. Now the next few weeks will be dedicated to stalking the progress of McLouth like he was an ex-girlfriend on Facebook. Unhealthy, but it happens.

- Adrian Beltre goes to Keith in the 23rd. I always have a special place in my heart for this steaming pile of 3rd baseman. I put so much trust into him for so long and he always underachieves. I feel like a disappointed father season after season as I see this man who could have been a mixture of Brooks Robinson and Mike Schmidt. Being a loafer myself I can appreciate when someone is phoning it in. And I hate it. So I make special note when he gets taken.

- We added a 25th round this year. Usually the last couple picks are poop you wouldn't scrape off your shoe but for some reason the guys really wanted to draft more poop. I am particularly proud of mine because he backs up Billy Wagner. Being Billy Wagner must be tough because you live everyday knowing you are going to get shelled and/or hurt for a 15 day spell. Here is to Saito in the 25th.

Well despite my fantastic picks I am sure to suffer from torn hamstrings, bloated ERAs, and the like. But I will be sure to keep you up-to-date on my ineptitude.

Around the Horn

Nomar

No-Mah retired Wednesday. Now I can stop feeling bad. The last few years have been really tough on me, perhaps even on Mr. Garciaparra himself. Everyday I saw him try to hit the ball with power or play first base with seriousness I lost a little of my soul. No-Mah was a Hall of Fame talent with a brittle body. Imagine what he could have done had he taken steroids. He may have hit 8 home runs last year. The world will always wonder.

Baseball Injury

Every year we are treated to a baseball injury. A player might sneeze to hard or dream about spiders and then wham, 15 day disabled list. Now Jose Reyes may miss eight weeks because of elevated Thyroid levels. He may have to cut down on his seafood intake but that's about it. The great thing is it is not career threatening, not that any baseball injury ever really is.

Duh

Cubs GM Jim Hedry lambasted Milton Bradley this week. His sentiment was basically that Bradley needed to look into the mirror to find all his problems. He then relayed that his signing of Bradley was "a mistake." The GM's of the Expos, Indians, Dodgers, A's, Padres, and Rangers were heard to yell "No, Shit" immediately. Mariners GM Jack Zduriencik was quoted as saying "oops" to the signing of Bradley.

What gets me is how many teams Bradley has touched with his awesome craziness and superhuman ability to deteriorate team morale. Yet he keeps getting passed along to the next sucker. Why not send him to MLB oblivion, or are the Royals all set in the outfield?

Figure Skating Takes Hold

The Winter Olympics started this weekend and women all over the world lost their shit. In what can only be described as a mix of a Taylor Swift concert with a Twilight premier combined with Brad Pitt sensibilities, Couples Figure Skaters engaged in the short program this weekend.

Husbands, boyfriends, and overzealous single men will be forced to “pay attention to how graceful that is” for the next fortnight. Known to some as the World Cup for Vaginas, Figure Skating is rocking the foundation of what is normal in everyday society.

Many men find they may feel like complete idiots for the next week or so. With no idea of how figure skaters are scored, men are relegated to such phrases as:

“Wow.”

“They really stuck that landing.”

“I can see that guy’s package.”

“Isn’t’ Project Runway on?”

Meanwhile, women will relay that that “Zayak Rule” disallows skaters from repeating the same triple or quadruple jump continuously in their free skating program.

Well, I have to go now. My petite female counterpart just polished off the last chicken wing and went into the bathroom with the Sunday paper. I’m off to do the dishes now. She doesn’t appreciate what I do around here anymore.

I can’t wait for baseball season.

Around the Association FebRUary 16

Well, we are sneaking up to trade deadline time. This usually means a great deal of rumors with most, if not all, never panning out. Some years, the trade deadline buzz flat out fails to deliver. It is following that same path this year. While talk of Amare to Cleveland or Ray Allen being exiled abound, we are left with some lack luster news. The Clippers got rid of Marcus Camby for Scott Blake and Travis outlaw.

While the trade does get the Blazers a Center that isn’t currently in crutches or naked on the internet, it doesn’t lift them in the playoff picture at all. From the Clippers standpoint…I actually stopped caring mid-sentence there.

Meanwhile some teams are on the hot seat to make a trade. Boston is going through some growing pains. They seem to be a bit old or dysfunctional to challenge for the title as they are currently designed. I guess things look that way when you lose half time leads to the lowly Hornets. They are kind of like Carrie Fisher in When Harry Met Sally. You could see the inevitable aging happen right on the screen. So it is with the Celtics. With every game, they are looking more and more like a middle-aged white woman.

The Do Ron-Ron

If you’re anything like me you have been waiting patiently for a blow up from Ron Artest. We were almost treated to one late last week. Ron-Ron took offense to being held up by Joey Graham and almost socked his face.



The above clip is particularly delightful for a number of reasons. My favorites are as follows:

Joel Myers reaction of “ooo” when Artest spun and fired the haymaker is priceless. In that instant he was really saying. “No Ron, for the love of god they will suspend you for the entire season!”

But what is magical is the debate between Stu Lantz, the color commentator for the Lakers and Joel Myers on why there was a technical. When Myers fails to illustrate that almost hitting someone with a closed fist isn’t enough, they decide it’s the playful shove of the face that did it in the end.

Either way I am now glued to the TV for every game, as I am sure Artest is one ticky-tack foul away from going mailman on everyone.

Around the Association - Jan 25th

All-Stars
Proving once again that the general populace can be trusted with not even the slightest of responsibilities, Allen Iverson was voted into the Eastern Conference All-Stars. The NBA did side step embarrassment when Tracy McGrady was finally outpaced in voting. This did not deter the public at large from voting in Iverson as a starter in this year’s festivities. Granted the East is this year’s equivalent of the short yellow bus, but there are more deserving guards in the Association.

Iverson has played a grand total of 19 games. Those 19 games were not grand or spectacular. Allen Iverson is a mediocre player attempting 14 shots a night. What happened to the glory days of chucking up 25-30 a game? Diminished skills are not the only reason he should be watching from home February 14th. Karma should have a say as well. He mentally and physically quit on the Grizzlies forcing them to trade him away. Time and again this type of action gets rewarded in sports. Iverson gets a homecoming to the team that started his career, as well as an undeserved All-Star bid.

Blake Griffin
Blake had successful knee surgery which will keep him resting 4-6 months. He hopes to be back and training by summer. This should give him ample time to get well enough to re-injure himself before the start of the 2010-2011 season.

Dunks
This week, the lineup for the Slam Dunk contest was finalized. It is by far the worst lineup to date. All participants can dunk with creativity I am sure. But there is not a celebrity amongst them. Nate Robinson will return, again. It was tremendous to see what he did the first and second times around. But I get it now. You’re small. You dunk. Congratulations!

In what reeks of desperation, the NBA will have a dunk off between Eric Gordon and DeMar DeRozan for the final dunk spot. Really, a play-in game for the Dunk Contest. How has the play-in idea worked for the NCAA?

Agent Zero Saga

The truth finally came out about the Gilbert Arenas saga. He is a prop comic. Agent Zero’s side of the story is that he was joking around with Javaris Crittenton when he invited him to choose one of three guns owned by Gilbert Arenas. Here are some questions I need answered:

Why three guns? Plaxico Buress saw fit to shoot himself in the leg with one gun. I am sure that Arenas could have done enough joke telling with one, maybe two guns. For me, three was a little hacky. Why not wear rainbow suspenders at that point.

Why have guns in the locker room? His statement is that he wanted to keep his four guns away from his children. For this reason, he moved only three of them to the locker room in D.C. I can only speculate that he kept a gun at his home in case he wanted to pull out any gun toting humor within the confines of his domicile.

Why resort to gun possession as a means to demean Crittenton? I for one could have seen a very brief but jarring exchange where Arenas, who allegedly welched on a bet, resorts to NBA name-calling. Crittenton does average 13 minutes and 5 points per game on his very short career.

This is a very humorous scenario where one very rich egomaniac bought a gun one day. Then he bought another, then another, then another. He found himself bored to death with not being able to use the damn things so he did the next best thing. He showed them off. If I know David Stern like I know I do, this will be the last thing he shows in a locker room for quite a while.