Tuesday, March 30, 2010


Red Sox
Blue Jays

I imagine it must suck to be the Tampa Bay Rays.  You wake up every morning knowing that no matter how hard you try, you may not succeed because you play in the same division as the Red Sox and Yankees.  Now take that feeling and imagine you are the Orioles.  Its like you wake up and someone tells you that Santa does indeed exist but he finds you to be utterly horrible and will never visit you or your city.    

The AL East, also know as the douche-bag division houses two teams that literally throw money at their problems.  Rumor is George Steinbrenner came down with a bad case of SARS but then just rubbed a finsky on his chest and, voila!  It wouldn't be so aggravating if it didn't actually work. 

It will once again be a coin flip at the top of the table.   More than likely the loser of heads/tails will still get into the playoffs as the wild card.  It is my hope however that the Rays can bounce back from a less than stellar year and show us all that youth and vitality is not wasted on the young, or the vital.

The Blue Jays should bring up the rear on the division.  They are gutted and want for any semblance of a star.  But please don't count out the Orioles and their amazing ability to play really bad baseball.



There it is.  That is how they will finish. 

Why not start a breakdown of every division with the easiest to call.  Philadelphia comes into this season every bit as talented as last year.  In some senses they went and got better.  They now have the best in the business in Roy Halladay.  He will prove a vital tool when the Phils make it back to the playoffs.  Philadelphia has a bit of karma on their side by throwing geriatric hurler Jaime Moyer every fifth day, and some say the elderly are useless, puhshaw.  Philadelphia has an American League type lineup with hitters one through eight and will run away with the division, if they decide to win at home this year.

The problem for prognosticators comes at second and third place.  Therein lies real challengers to the wild card race.

While both the Braves and Marlins tout strong pitching staffs, the Braves get the edge with a little more depth.  Even with a sophomore jinx,  Tommy Hanson will be one of the best 4th starters in baseball.  He should keep his ERA under 3.50 and net at least five more wins over the Marlins fourth hurler Chris Volstad. 

The Mets should find a way to under utilize Johan, Beltran, Reyes, Wright, and Bay.  They will suck but not in a way that anyone will notice.  Which is the worst kind of suck. 

The Washington Strasburgs will sell out every five days if and when their lord and savior Stephen Strasburg gets called up.

Friday, March 26, 2010


I had my fantasy baseball keeper league draft this past weekend. One thing I have noticed about fantasy owners, they always think they drafted the best and you drafted the worst. You can follow every mock draft and pick with the precision of a scalpel but you're still an idiot. In the end, the grass always looks greener on your own front yard post draft. So here is the information you didn't ask for:


The eleven team league I am in is a collection of dudes I have known from college. They range from the obsessed waiver wire pick-up guy to those that lose interest sometime in April. The constant rule is you keep your six best players from the year before. This has posed a detriment to me when I had to keep the likes of Adrian Beltre from lack of star power. This year is different. It just has to be. Because I am horrible at fantasy sports. I am the Washington Nationals of our league. Perennially in last place, it all changes here and now. I feel it with this list of studs:

Matt Kemp
Prince Fielder
Mark Teixeira
Victor Martinez
Brian Roberts
Yovani Gallardo

There it is, speed, pop, and pitching. That's even before I drafted.


This is what separates the men from the boys. Championships are won and lost through season long tinkering but immediate scolding and draft smack talk happens immediately. Here are some of the finer points in this years draft:

- In the first round of the keeper draft Mike starts a closer run by picking three straight closers. This is for lack of a better term, a dick move. No one like drafting closers. They are unreliable messy entities. They are kind of like pubic hairs. Very messy up-keep but everyone has them. So you may have to trim Brad Lidge every once in a while but rest assured this particular pube is on someone's team.

- I take Nate McLouth in the fifth round (13th overall). A great pick until after the draft when I find out he forgot how to hit. Now the next few weeks will be dedicated to stalking the progress of McLouth like he was an ex-girlfriend on Facebook. Unhealthy, but it happens.

- Adrian Beltre goes to Keith in the 23rd. I always have a special place in my heart for this steaming pile of 3rd baseman. I put so much trust into him for so long and he always underachieves. I feel like a disappointed father season after season as I see this man who could have been a mixture of Brooks Robinson and Mike Schmidt. Being a loafer myself I can appreciate when someone is phoning it in. And I hate it. So I make special note when he gets taken.

- We added a 25th round this year. Usually the last couple picks are poop you wouldn't scrape off your shoe but for some reason the guys really wanted to draft more poop. I am particularly proud of mine because he backs up Billy Wagner. Being Billy Wagner must be tough because you live everyday knowing you are going to get shelled and/or hurt for a 15 day spell. Here is to Saito in the 25th.

Well despite my fantastic picks I am sure to suffer from torn hamstrings, bloated ERAs, and the like. But I will be sure to keep you up-to-date on my ineptitude.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Around the Horn


No-Mah retired Wednesday. Now I can stop feeling bad. The last few years have been really tough on me, perhaps even on Mr. Garciaparra himself. Everyday I saw him try to hit the ball with power or play first base with seriousness I lost a little of my soul. No-Mah was a Hall of Fame talent with a brittle body. Imagine what he could have done had he taken steroids. He may have hit 8 home runs last year. The world will always wonder.

Baseball Injury

Every year we are treated to a baseball injury. A player might sneeze to hard or dream about spiders and then wham, 15 day disabled list. Now Jose Reyes may miss eight weeks because of elevated Thyroid levels. He may have to cut down on his seafood intake but that's about it. The great thing is it is not career threatening, not that any baseball injury ever really is.


Cubs GM Jim Hedry lambasted Milton Bradley this week. His sentiment was basically that Bradley needed to look into the mirror to find all his problems. He then relayed that his signing of Bradley was "a mistake." The GM's of the Expos, Indians, Dodgers, A's, Padres, and Rangers were heard to yell "No, Shit" immediately. Mariners GM Jack Zduriencik was quoted as saying "oops" to the signing of Bradley.

What gets me is how many teams Bradley has touched with his awesome craziness and superhuman ability to deteriorate team morale. Yet he keeps getting passed along to the next sucker. Why not send him to MLB oblivion, or are the Royals all set in the outfield?