Yankees to sign Lord and Savior

New York, New York
by Gabriel Zaldivar

It seems the rich just keep getting richer. It looks as though the New York Yankees will have the aid of yet another veteran journeyman. Jesus Christ of heaven has reportedly signed a seven-year, 180 million dollar contract.

Jesus "el saviorrrr" Christ has been a symbol of peace and goodwill for over 2,000 years. On the recent move Jesus relayed "It sorta just fell into place you know? I never really wanted to play in New York with all the hustle and bustle but come on 180 mil?"

Some critics see the acquisition as yet further evidence to the Yankees evil empire stature. Boston native, Red Sox fan, and all-around nice guy Jimmy Durantes was quoted as saying, "Jesus (expletive deleted), I don't (expletive deleted) what he or any other (expletive deleted) at your (expletive deleted) mother," which pretty much sums up the feelings across the nation.

Yankees GM Brian Cashman seemed thoroughly pleased with his signing. It seems, however, that their pursuit of high priced talent may not be over, "We like Jesus. So we got Jesus. But we are always looking to bolster our lineup. We have been talking to the likes of Buddha, Muhammad, and whomever the Jews have been waiting around for. As the GM of the Yankees it really is my job to sign everyone in the whole entire universe!"

Jesus Christ is expected to make his first press conference on Monday. "You know I rest on Sunday, so I'll see you all after the weekend. I can't wait to put on the famed uniform...not to be an asshole but I look pretty good in pinstripes." Yes you do Jesus, Yes you do.

De La Hoya v. Pacquiao

I remember growing up and watching fights with my dad. The family would gather around and eat pizza and watch artistic pugilists enact a time honored sport. However, the amount of fights that garnered my father's will to purchase pay-per-view grew less and less. Sadly, my will to sit around and watch TV while eating has only grown.

Boxing is a dying sport. It would be easy to defer blame to MMA and it's growth in the past decade. This would ignore the fact that Boxing has been in decline for a number of years. Most attribute this to two glaring inadequacies in the boxing arena.

1) Less quality fighters are born and raised in America. There are currently no American heavyweight title holders. This is the class that once sold tickets and pay-per-views with ease. Marketing a title belt between a Russian and Nigerian presents a marketing nightmare, unless you are going for the eastern european/ fly swatting demographic.

2) There are too many belts and too little talent. Currently there are four roundly recognized boxing organizations that present titles. The WBO, IBF, WBC, and WBA create such a problem to unified acceptance of relevance that fighters would rather chase a big pay day than a title shot. In this regard modern boxing has become a giant game of Pokemon.

What to look for...

Pacquiao has never fought above 135. Going up a notch takes some sting away from your punches and tends to make solid chins a little less so.

De la Hoya tends to get lulled to sleep when he has to chase a fighter, so it goes without saying that Pacquiao's up close fight style could run detriment to the Filipino. He will be inside with speed but very susceptible to a jab that has been absent from De la Hoya's more recent fights.

Many think this will be something of a a show as both fighters will initiate contact. You never can tell though.

The fight against Floyd Mayweather Jr. was supposed to be this century's first great one. It turned out to be a strategic snooze fest. Not many realize this but that fight actually ended after I passed out from a mysterious Coor's Light sickness. Friendly advice, do not play a drinking game which entails drinking whenever Larry Merchant says something either stoopid or borderline retarded.

Bits of Tid III

Just Say No

I love sports. I love athletes. I want to meet athletes. However, if a present or former NFL player ever asks you to hang out, just say no. It has become blatantly obvious to me that NFL players are the rootinest, tootinest people on earth. When they aren't shooting people, dogs, or drugs, they are shooting themselves. So as you enter the weekend, remember to have fun. But most importantly remember, if you see a NFL player, past or present, go home. Some stuff is about to occur.

Keep Your Day Job

After Nordberg was sentenced today, every news organization rushed to give the waiting public some semblance of years that would be served. What became clear was the fact that news organizations are not good with numbers. Three hours later I am still unable to decipher just how long Nordberg will be serving time in jail for beating up Rodney King. All I know is Naked Gun was an awesome trilogy and O.J. can kidnap me anytime. Well at least when he gets out in five, or six, or fifteen, or sixteen, or 33 years.

Holidays!

As the holiday season progresses and the wintry temperature in L.A. dips well below 80 degrees I become entranced in what is soon to be. My predictions for the next couple weeks:

I will gain weight and not realize it until I fall asleep one day from "too many cookies."

America's team, The Dallas Cowboys, will fail to make the playoffs as a special pre-Christmas gift to those Americans that never ever considered this team to be "America's team."

I will wish I had more Mexican friends to watch holiday soccer with.

Manny Ramirez will sign with the Anaheim Angels as the Dodgers look to over pay for someone past their prime.

My readership will jump to two as I decide to read my own blogs.

Baseball Lunacy

As MLB playoffs kickoff, I would like to say fare thee well to the regular season. You see sometime around February I start to feel a little restless about going to see live baseball. The food, the sounds, the smells, the game itself; these are all things I look forward to.

There are of course various idiosyncrasies I could do without. So it is now that I take a look at the various items Major League Baseball must address before next season.

The Beach Ball

If walking down the street I am hit in the head with a beach ball I am usually surprised and annoyed. If I am at a baseball game I widely expect that I will not only have a beach ball in my proximity but human adults will climb over seats and people to try and hit it. The beach ball itself does not bother me. It is the look in the eye of a grown man hitting a beach ball at a live event. The shear joy and amazement in their face should really only be enjoyed by a five year old catching a soap bubble on their nose.

Audience Depth Perception

This is my favorite. Anytime there is a fly ball to any part of the outfield, the majority of the paid attendance stands up and expects a home run. A routine pop up is always followed by a surprised sigh from the crowd. Did our ability to tell the flight of a spherical object get taken at the gate? Please in the future, make note of the outfielders for home run potential. Just a hint.

The Wave

When I was a little boy I used to like seeing 'The Wave.' It was awesome to see so many people unify and perform one. I also thought The Lost Boys was a sensational movie so taste really was not my strong suit.

Has no one but me tired of 'The Wave?' It really does nothing for me now. I think around age 10 I lost the whole "Wow, that really looks like a wave" feeling. Now when there is wave I can be assured that I will miss either a double play, strikeout, double, or something of note just because the guy in front of me stands up at a crucial time.

I guess what I am wondering is how we regress 40 IQ points the minute we enter the stadium gates. Logic and good sense go out the window. Going to see baseball game takes an extreme amount of self convincing in various areas. I have to disregard the idiocy of paying $15 for three hours of parking, $10 bucks for a domestic beer, and then being forced to pee in a urinal trough like I was a barn animal. But all in all, I will do it. Because in a month, baseball will be gone. A month later I will forget all about the crowd peccadilloes and will be filled with a yearning for another season. Here is to that feeling.

Favre TEXT message

ESPN reported today that Brett Favre texted Green Bay Packers GM Ted Thompson in regards to his retirement. It seems as though Favre (pronounced farv) really, really, wants to play. So he decided to hit up Thompson (pronounced thps) on his celly. Well it turns out that we here at Blog Sport have just received the actual text messages sent back and forth betwixt the two.

7/7/08
Favre: OMG I WANT TO QB NXT YR PLS
Thompson: WTF DONT DO THIS
Favre: IM SORRY I LEFT NOT MY BAD
Thompson: U MAD UP UR MIND U SAID WE WERE DUNSOS
Favre: U NO HOW I GET LOL?
Thompson: WE CANT DO THIS
Thompson: THIS IS GETTING WEIRD I HAVE A-ROG NOW
Favre: IS IT BETTER?
Thompson: DONT
Favre: LOL - NO SERIOUS IS IT BETTER
Thompson: ITS JUST DIFFERNT
Favre: TAKE ME BACK PLS XOXOXOO
Thompson: WE STILL TALKING ABOUT QBing RT?
Favre: 4 SURE ;)

7/8/08
Favre: MAD?
Thompson: hw cn i B?
Favre: U don't need AARON u need ME
Thompson: U CANT KEEP DOING THIS!!!
Favre: Sorry member XXXI?
Thompson: WAT M I GOING TO DO WIT U
Thompson: PINKY SWEARS U WILL NEVER LEAVE
Favre: i feel like i never did 143
Thompson: 143

-END-

He Don't Need No Stinking Badges

“Since I suffered the injury on company time, why shouldn't I also be able to get surgery and do recovery on company time?” - Shaquille O'Neal

ESPN is reporting that Shaquille O'Neal will be forced to return another badge. This time to Bedford Virginia, yes they do not have an NBA team. However, I don't want to write about Shaq the player or even Shaq the individual. But since you asked, the individual is funny, the player is fat and lazy.

Shaq should have been THE greatest center of all time. Instead he has cashed it in year after year and relied on his mass and bulk down low. He was explosive and quick but could have been so much more. When it is all done he will be enshrined in the Hall of Fame. But I have toi ask. How can a guy that good never lead the league in points, rebounds, or blocks in a season? I don't know. I told you I am not gonna write about it.

What I am really interested in is badges, nice shiny Sheriff ones. I myself once wanted to be a cop like my dad. But there was only one way to do it back in the day. You went to the academy, worked hard and graduated.

Now there is another way. It may seem a little more convoluted than the earlier method but this one has a little more moxie:

First get drafted to an NBA team. One that is fairly underwhelming at the time. Proceed to get the to the NBA Finals and lose. Now this next step is important.

Will the future Hall of Famer plesase step forward.

Not so fast Mr. Hardaway.

Leave that team. Get some fresh air. Make some movies. Record some albums. Now win championships on a new team, a couple, no three. Make sure to speak ill of your past teammate and co-star. Proceed to waive necessary surgery in the summer and save it for the start of the season. Be sure to come back more bloated for every new season. Now. Leave this team, demand it if you have to.

Still on my Netflix queue.

Go to a different team, somewhere similar to your last town but a little more humid and less culturally significant. Make sure to speak ill of your last city and your past teammates. Proceed to workout in the off season to win a title. A novel idea that could have been used in your past ventures, but never mind that now. It might be impressive if you get tired toward the end of this season and willingly pass the team off to a new up and comer. Win title.

Now get fat again.

Now demand a trade again.

Get traded to #1 team in Western Conference.

WE WERE #1, WE WERE #1

Help new team move steadily down the ladder of Western Conference. Lose in first round...repeat as necessary. As long as you follow these steps you will find your self with multiple Sheriff badges all over the greater United States.

One measuring stick of a great teammate is the lack of geographical movement in his career. Look at Favre, Tony Gwynn, Montana, etc. O'Neal has been traded and dealt a great deal for someone with his talent at such a valued position. Sure Kobe is egotistical and power hungry. The only thing I cared about is his work ethic. But Shaq gets a free pass. He always has.

In his Laker walk year, he dunked a ball in training camp ran up the floor and yelled for Jerry Buss to "pay me mother------."

The Lakers did pay him, at least they tried to. He rejected their offer to be the highest paid player and essentially painted Los Angeles into a corner.

So he left. Traded. Laker fans killed Kobe for it. Yet many in Los Angeles don't give Shaq the same scrutiny. He not only lambasted Kobe when leaving L.A. he threw the whole city and their fans under the bus. In relating to Los Angeles he stated "real, real fake. This (Miami) is a more real place." Yes Shaq, Miami has never been known as little Los Angeles. Things are much different there.

He has done this multiple times. Most recently ripping on Miami when traded to the Suns. In both cases his former employer sent him to warm weather and teams in contention giving him no reason to whine.

True, Shaq can make me laugh. The way he makes new monikers for himself is quite astounding. I just didn't think it was so unbelievable as to get him a free pass for so long. His latest transgression may have been blown a little out of proportion, but it is symptomatic of his career. Shaquille has never been the bigger man.

The Boston Massacre

"It's humbling" - Lamar Odom

"It's a great run, we came up short" - Lamar Odom

"Are there any more chicken wings?" - Gabe Zaldivar

Now that I have had a few hours to digest the complete and utter Boston tea bagging we received, I am here to tell you what's next. Nothing. Bill Plashke and J.A. Adande seem to think moves must be taken to solidify our chance to win it all next year. That's a bit knee jerk, don't you think?

Last year we lost in the first round to the highly touted Phoenix Suns. With basically the same cast of characters, we made it to the sixth game of the NBA Finals. Please don't tell me we did so because of Pau Gasol. His dramatic exit from the series around game 1 has me thinking refund for the six pack of beer we got him for.

However, if you think the acquisition of Pau allowed for the real Lamar Odom to show up at the end of the season, imagine what Lamar et. al. can do with the presence of Andrew Bynum. Anything we can salvage from Bynum at this point is gravy. We went 6 games against a team housing three potential hall of famers and our solution is to jump ship. I find it hard to believe that Mitch Kupchak was stubborn enough to keep this team together when they were losing but will move vital parts after getting so close.

Can we recognize what a summer does for people. Jordan Farmar became a shooter, Sasha became a real scoring threat, and I gained more weight.

As for last night however...

Awful. It was a heightened illustration of what I knew all series. The Lakers were happy to be there. You could see it in the celebration after winning the western conference finals. They knew how good they were at the moment and what to celebrate. Boston was much more reserved after they took care of Detroit. They also happened to be much more poised throughout the series.

Except for Game 3, Boston was always the aggressor. They played like they were on the ropes. They played like they knew what was at stake. I just never felt the 07-08 Lakers deserved to win. But the 08-09 squad will be hungry.

How could they not be? The Celtics had an appetizer of celebration before the game was done. I don't know how big the bench area is but the there were kids and wives and still room for Pierce to disco dance. Then there was the Gatorade wash that necessitated Phil Jackson to call a time out. Granted classless, but the Lakers did not deserve to be treated with dignity last night. It was like the Celtics were sleeping with my grandmother and making me hive five them while doing it. I couldn't turn away. But I also couldn't stomach it either.

Here is to hoping the Lakers have the same bad taste in their mouths.

Tacos!

Game 6

It seems many in the media have seen fit to crown the Boston Celtics as champions. Just as Jack Kent Cooke filled the rafters with balloons and jinxed the Lakers out of a Finals berth in 1969, so too will certain Boston fans as they plan parade routes. Many have lost the fact that a game 6 will be played. No matter what, Tuesday night happens. This favors Los Angeles. A team that is playing to stay alive is dangerous.

Game 1

Neither team has played like champions thus far. Game 1 was a split for both teams, Los Angeles handled their end in the first half and Boston simply closed it out. Celtic fans also rejoiced the fact that Paul Pierce has some sort of regenerative powers not normally seen on this planet. We can only thank god that Eight Belles' trainers weren't nearby to take action.

Here we have Mr. Pierce suffering what seems to be a combination of gunshot wounds and his water breaking. After being wheeled off in a wheelchair, a device used for people that cannot walk, he mended in the wolverine time of ten minutes. Unfathomably he is the best player so far and will undoubtedly receive the MVP award if Boston closes this out.

I'm not saying he is faking, I'm just saying I would like some of whatever they are shooting him up with...or he is faking.

Game 2

Well the Lakers almost overcame a 24 point deficit on the road. It would have been a magical night and the series would have been most likely over by now. I remember thinking that I would never see a come back like that for some time. Life is funny sometimes.

Game 3

L.A. gets on the board. It wasn't pretty or flashy or dominant. But it works.

Game 4

There has been some speculation as to whether game 4 actually occurred. I am in the school of thought that it could not have existed if you do not refer to it.

Game 5

Another sloppy win. Neither team seemed to really want this one. Bad fouls and porous defense on both ends turned this into a street game.

My main beef with the series is how ho-hum it all is. Does anyone feel this magical rivalry we were all promised? After both teams clinched I was lead to believe all would be right with world. Instead we get a series where players cannot pump their fists for worry of a technical. David Stern has done extremely well in making the NBA the blandest of the top American sports. Kobe can't clear out, KG can't argue, players can't jaw at each other. I feel for the little kids that think this is all exciting. I can still remember when the NBA was a contact sport.

To the referees tonight, swallow your whistles. Better yet, how about call a foul only when one occurs.

To ABC analysts and commentators, can you please get on the referees. Game 5 included KG getting his 4th foul for blocking a Laker player. The replay showed it was an obvious bad call but Jeff Van Gundy decided to thrash KG for making an ill advised play.

Yes we have now come to a state in this sport where a player is admonished for making a great defensive play when the official gets the call wrong and penalizes him for it. This would never happen in the NFL or MLB.

Lastly, I, like ABC, would love to see a game 7. It gives me an excuse to drink copious amounts of liquor during the week without it being a social problem.

Oh and Boston, It's "Beat LA" NOT "Gotta Beat LA." I know it has been a while since your team mattered, but get it right.

Tacos!

Super Bowl of Football, Rather Futbol, I mean Soccer

On Wednesday one of the most watched sporting events will take place and the great majority of Americans will not notice. The UEFA Champions League final will be played tomorrow pitting Premiership powerhouses Chelsea and Manchester United against each other. This will mark the first time that two English teams will meet in the final match. The past couple years have audiences for the match rivaling and in some cases surpassing the Super Bowl.

However, while most of the world is bathing jubilantly in beer, Americans will be caught up in heated debates over which David is a better karaoke singer. Where did we go wrong? How have we, a nation in love with sports, not embraced the most beautiful of sports?

Well, we are also a nation in love with stuff. Lots of stuff. We have 30-packs of beer for sale and jumbo size bags of chips and super size fries and extra strength Tylenol and so on. We have forgotten to take a step back and look at the journey of things. We are captivated too many times by the score rather than the method the athlete took to score.

Therein lies the conundrum for soccer fans in the U.S. How do you prove to Americans that soccer can live and thrive here in the states.? How do you illustrate the awe that is inspired by a ball kicked 50 yards pleasantly curving through the air to finish precisely on the chest of a teammate? How can you make it seem relevant to an NBA fan who watches players perform the same slam dunks year in and year out at the Slam Dunk Contest? How do you explain the exhilaration one feels from watching goals almost scored at the post? This will prove difficult, especially to a nation that has had to change their favorite game of NFL football several times through the ages precisely to incite higher scores.

Soccer is a game of hope and patience. Two teams step on the pitch for ninety minutes and methodically pick and choose their chances to strike. There are no commercial breaks and no timeouts. One would be foolish to leave for a beer run during the half, for a goal can come in an instant. And then it is gone. The goal has passed. It is on to the journey again. That is where soccer fans truly live. I hope American fans can someday appreciate the nuances that make "the beautiful game" so much fun.

Bits of Tid II

Farewell to a Former Florida Marlin
Mike Piazza announced his retirement today. I, like many of you, exclaimed, "was Mike Piazza still playing?" Well the answer was and shall now remain a resounding no. It seems Piazza was floating in the murky waters of this year's free agent pool hoping to be picked up. I guess it took a little over a month for Mike to take the hint. His announcement, though unsurprising, does allow us ample opportunity to honor one of the game's more prolific offensive catchers.

Awesome
Jose Canseco proved once again that he probably shouldn't be raising himself. News surfaced that the one time Oakland A's outfielder is now considering a life as a boxer. In fact he will not be training as an up and comer but will instead take the path less traveled and become an instant washed up has been. The fight is scheduled for July 21st with the challenger picking up a purse of $5,000. With the fight taking place in an Atlantic City Independent baseball stadium, it is a shame no one will see the event. I do enjoy uncomfortable social situations.

Bizarkizley
News surfaced today that Charles Barkley paid the $400,000 he owed the Wynn Casino. The prosecutor's fee of $40,000 was still outstanding. Barkley assured he would pay the fee immediately and admitted he was caught unaware of the charge.

In other news it was a really slow sports news day.

What To Look For This Weekend

Lakers vs. Jazz - Game 6
NBA PLAYOFFS DAY 164 - This series has been marked by the emergence of Deron Williams as a major player in the NBA. After a very quiet 14 and 9 in game one, Williams has given the Jazz a very real chance to send this series to a seventh game. They will need a lot more out of Boozer who has been relatively harmless most of this series.

The real story for game six is how, if at all, the Lakers can diminish the home court advantage. This series has really brought to light just how bad Jazz fans can be at times. In fact, Raider fans think Jazz fans are out of line. The one thing I have taken from this series is never get thousands of Mormons together. It usually ends in vile racist cheering and unexpected polygamy.

Celtics vs. Cavaliers
How dare you insinuate that the Boston Celtics were over marketed as the second coming of the Larry Bird era. A great team has to win on the road. Look for Boston to win tonight though as Boobie Gibson is out with a separated shoulder. When a team with only a few weapons is missing their biggest perimeter weapon, it's uh, it's bad.

Spurs vs. Hornets
This game should really be on Sunday, but instead it's on Monday. It's on Monday because more people will watch a game 7 on Monday than Sunday. Also the NBA will not rest until it eats itself alive.

Look for Hornets fans to whine about the hard foul David West received from Tim Duncan. The constant crying from NBA fans about these hard fouls their stars receive begs the question, when did the NBA cease as a contact sport?

INTER-LEAGUE YAY!
MLB officially gets a semi every year around this time. Yes, it's time for inter-league play. Heated rivals will play this weekend. Look for exciting match ups like Yankees/Mets or Dodgers/Angels or better yet, Nationals/Orioles. WOO HOO!

On second thought, this time of year is more a glaring slap in the pecker of how outdated the DH rule is. I think it is completely fair that the Yankees will DH the likes of Hideki Matsui and the Mets are left with Endy Chavez. But at least I can die now and say I saw the Padres and Mariners play.

Horsin' Around
See what I did there. Well, I am obviously talking Preakness. The second leg of the Triple Crown is this Saturday. I can't wait to watch little Latin men ride horses for two minutes. If this is anything like the Kentucky Derby and you love horses, please do not stick around after the race. Things get...a little weird.

Bits of Tid

Giants shore up their bullpen

Let me lead off with Barry Zito in our "fallen" heroes section. Barry Zito was demoted to reliever status this week. We can now finally say that the Giants paid $126 million for the likes of Mark Hendrickson. Wait, no, Hendrickson can still throw a fast ball. Zito called this "a bump in the road." He failed to accurately describe it as a huge fucking mountain like bump. At least he has a few more innings to play his guitar. Can we all just go back to that magical day the giants signed their Cy Young award winning mop up guy?

I wouldn't be surprised if Brian Sabean was in talks with Mike Hampton to fill the role left by Zito.

Please Sit Down

Carlos Delgado was apathetically addressing claims that he straight dissed the fans on Monday night. You see Charles doesn't see fit to come out and wave his little hat to fans unless something spectacular happens. Well the fact that you got two hits on Monday and they were both home runs is reason for celebration. In fact, I believe they should have stopped the game and brought out the podium for a proper ovation. Delgado does have a sense of humor. In reacting to proper ovation etiquette, “Am I going to stay out there until they start booing?” He failed to add, "like tomorrow when I go 0 for 5."

Little Lady Killer

Speaking of once great athletes, Roger Clemens is in more trouble this week. You see Roger had a relationship in 1998 with then 15 year old Mindy McCready. He claims that he just wanted to befriend this sweet karaoke singer. Why would you want to be a friend to a 15 year old girl? What engaging conversations could you possibly have had with your new bff? Did your Red Sox teammate really allow you to hit on a 15-year old?

Well the deal didn't work out for poor old Mindy as she went on to marry a wife beater and did a lot of drugs. This comes as no surprise as I probably would be addicted to a lot of things if Roger Clemens was inside me when I was a teenager. In fact I would probably look a lot like this...

Yes, this is indeed Mindy McCready

Play Dead

In this week's edition of I saw that coming, Pat Riley retires again from coaching. He was quoted as saying "I'm excited about today and moving forward and building this franchise back to where we can be proud of it." He failed to include, "until we get to a place where we are good enough to make a run at the finals, in which case I will fire whatever coach we have and take over." This douchebag is renowned for overworking his players yet fold whenever he is in dire circumstances.

At the end of this abysmal season he stepped away from the Heat bench to go on scouting trips. Isn't that what scouts are for? Long trips away from the headache you made is just the way to flourish your hall of fame image.

Mr. Tejada I Presume?

Well I may be a little late to the Miggie party but I wanted to chime in on the peculiarity. Not only did the bomb drop last week that Miguel Tejada is in fact 33 and not 31, but he isn't even Miguel Tejada. Who did the Houston Astros sign? Well, none other than Miguel Tejeda.

Well I ask you as an astute observer, Where do the lies stop? It may be that Mr. Tejeda may have lied about taking steroids. I now don't know what or who to believe. What if Miguel Tejada doesn't even play shortstop. What then? What if it turns out he isn't even Dominican? My god, what if it turns out that Miguel Tejada is left handed Mexican hitter Karim Garcia?
Think about it. Karim Garcia was supposed to be the best thing to come out of Mexico since ponchos and diarrhea. But he never amounted to a hill of pinto beans. Have you ever noticed that Miguel Tejada/Tejeda and Karim Garcia never played at that same time? Me neither. I never bothered to notice. Perhaps Miguel "Karim Garcia" Tejada/Tejeda wanted it that way. Think about it. When is a left handed slugger who can't hit that ball not a left handed slugger who can't hit the ball? Exactly.

Playoffs!!!

So the 2007-2008 NBA season is in the books. The great thing about the NBA playoffs is that when they finish it's time to do my Christmas shopping. These things are long. It's as if the NBA wants us to lose interest. A Suns-Lakers, Kobe V. Shaq, matchup would be great. If it happens it will not be for another month or so. If the finals go a full seven games these playoffs will last a full two months.

The first round starts on April 19th. If any of these go a full seven they will last till May 3rd-4th. Yes that is indeed two fucking weeks. Who is serious here? I will tell you who is serious, the NBA. They will drag out this playoff thing as long as they need to. Please take a look at the first round and join me in a genuine WTF moment. Yes most series will play their second game Monday or Tuesday and then skip 2-3 days and play on Thursday or Friday. In the case of the Lakers/Nuggets, they play game one Sunday...DO NOT TRAVEL...then play three days later on Wednesday.

The NFL plays one game a week and still manages to get to their Finals in a little over a month. Major League Baseball gets to the series in three weeks after the end of the season. And hockey, well hockey is really only celebrated by Canadians and this guy. So we will just skip them.

My main problem is that the NBA game could be so good. Perhaps if the refs swallowed their whistles, the players were slightly less bitchy, flops were non-existent, and they played maybe two games in three days. Shit did I just describe the NCAA tournament?

I know my pleas will go unheeded as my readership consists of my mom and some guy who was actually looking for asian chicks on the web and came across this fiasco. Well I will watch anyway, but I will not be happy about it. I'll see you on the other side of the playoffs. We will all be a little older, a little wiser, and very glad it is all over.

Food for Thought

Juan in a Million
CNNSI had a great article today. Basically it outlined the worst free agent signings of the past few years. It got me thinking about the worst signing that almost was. After having a horrible season in 2000, the Detroit Tigers offered Juan Gonzalez an 8 year 150 million dollar contract the next year. Mr. Gonzalez, being a shrewd business man, declined the ill-advised offer. Had the honorable Juan-Gone been a human with logical decision making abilities he would have accepted and the Tigers would still be paying him. Imagine how bad the Tigers would be then. They wouldn't have Miguel "one more burrito" Cabrera or Gary "i used to hit real well huh?" Sheffield. As it is they are sitting at 4-10. Perhaps they need to look again at Juan Gonzalez. It couldn't hurt at this stage.

Barry Sucks
Barry "the one that should probably start taking steroids" Zito was recently quoted after a loss "It's just a fine line, I feel good about the way I'm throwing and have to stick with that." I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that the problem is exactly the way you are pitching. Maybe pitch a little faster than 84. But good signing Sabean.

NOOOOOO!!!!
While we are at it. Jered Weaver's brother has a job now. Too bad for the Brewers that his job consists of pitching. Does anyone check resumes anymore? I would definitely double check Jeff Weaver's references. At least he only has a minor league contract. However, I would be more than happy to give up home runs for half of his $12000 a month salary.

Woo Hoo
In exciting Dodger news, Nomar has been activated. Awesome, if you need me I'll be over here rolling my eyes. Is it me or should Nomar and J.D. Drew do commercials for Blue Cross. Either way I have a strong feeling there is a nice hamstring injury due to the former batting champ soon.

An open letter to The San Francisco Giants

I am a Dodgers fan. Have been all my life. This fact insinuates one blaring reality. I hate you. Well I do. But it is getting kinda hard to keep up my hatred for a team that very well may lose 100 games for the first time in their history. I want to hate you like I did when you lost in awesome fashion to the Angels in the Series. I want to mock you. But alas you take all the fun out of it.

In fact I want you to get better. I really do. Every time I boo you I feel like a bully picking on a paraplegic one armed hooker with a nasty bout of syphilis. In effect you are completely useless. I keep checking the ESPN sports wire to see if Sabean has signed on Timmy and Jimmy to run the middle of the infield.


But before you call me racist, I have a friend that is a Giants fan. He related to me that their season was really resting on Kevin Frandsen and it was tough when he went down. I will neglect to tout that fact in deference to the Giants ineptitude and instead focus on the Giants four spot slugger, Bengie Molina. The man did have a magical year last year and posted a career high 19 home runs. But I do have to believe that 19 solo shots with no one on base this year is not going to do it for the Bay Area. Can't you guys get a person from the stands to throw up some of the same numbers you put on the field. Promotion Idea? Just think about it.

Question: Is Brian Sabean choosing his team by randomly selecting baseball cards? Maybe he is trying to get the attendance so low he can move the team to Miami. Perhaps his next signings will be of the Pedro Cerrano or Tom Berenger ilk. Well I say Kudos as long as Lethal Weapon 2's Rene Russo is thrown into the mix.


I want to reach out to my friends from the foggy North. I want you to be good enough to ridicule. As it is, I kinda feel bad hating you. How about I say I don't Like you very much and we can call it at that for the season. Please get well soon.

Love,

Gabe

P.S. Go get 'em guys. YAY! YOU GUYS! All right!!!

Oh to be Matt Leinart

I am a little befuddled this morning and that does not happen often. Sometimes I am fuddled, actually quite often. But nonetheless, I woke up this morning with ESPN covering a story about Matt Leinart and his SHOCKING pictures. I capitalized shocking to illustrate just how shocking and dangerous his actions were.

Matt Leinart, a quarterback in the National Football League, was getting drunk with women...and having a good time. Not only was he partying. He had the nerve to look like he was having a good time. The fact remains that Mr. Leinart is a professional athlete that should be having lots of gratuitous sex with many many women especially in the off season and especially because I am not. In fact I don't care that his back up and now starting QB Kurt Warner salvaged their miserable season. Warner never let loose because he happens to be married. Married by chance to a lady I happen to be quite terrified of. My point is Kurt Warner wasted his peek years on hard work and getting it done. He should have been taking more beer bongs with bloated chicks.

I find no wrong in what Matt Leinart has done or will do. Mainly due to the fact he plays on a team in Phoenix no one really cares about. But what I really wanted to say is please, for the love of Christ, stop covering football in April. It makes no sense Sportscenter.