Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Bits of Tid

Giants shore up their bullpen

Let me lead off with Barry Zito in our "fallen" heroes section. Barry Zito was demoted to reliever status this week. We can now finally say that the Giants paid $126 million for the likes of Mark Hendrickson. Wait, no, Hendrickson can still throw a fast ball. Zito called this "a bump in the road." He failed to accurately describe it as a huge fucking mountain like bump. At least he has a few more innings to play his guitar. Can we all just go back to that magical day the giants signed their Cy Young award winning mop up guy?

I wouldn't be surprised if Brian Sabean was in talks with Mike Hampton to fill the role left by Zito.

Please Sit Down

Carlos Delgado was apathetically addressing claims that he straight dissed the fans on Monday night. You see Charles doesn't see fit to come out and wave his little hat to fans unless something spectacular happens. Well the fact that you got two hits on Monday and they were both home runs is reason for celebration. In fact, I believe they should have stopped the game and brought out the podium for a proper ovation. Delgado does have a sense of humor. In reacting to proper ovation etiquette, “Am I going to stay out there until they start booing?” He failed to add, "like tomorrow when I go 0 for 5."

Little Lady Killer

Speaking of once great athletes, Roger Clemens is in more trouble this week. You see Roger had a relationship in 1998 with then 15 year old Mindy McCready. He claims that he just wanted to befriend this sweet karaoke singer. Why would you want to be a friend to a 15 year old girl? What engaging conversations could you possibly have had with your new bff? Did your Red Sox teammate really allow you to hit on a 15-year old?

Well the deal didn't work out for poor old Mindy as she went on to marry a wife beater and did a lot of drugs. This comes as no surprise as I probably would be addicted to a lot of things if Roger Clemens was inside me when I was a teenager. In fact I would probably look a lot like this...

Yes, this is indeed Mindy McCready

Play Dead

In this week's edition of I saw that coming, Pat Riley retires again from coaching. He was quoted as saying "I'm excited about today and moving forward and building this franchise back to where we can be proud of it." He failed to include, "until we get to a place where we are good enough to make a run at the finals, in which case I will fire whatever coach we have and take over." This douchebag is renowned for overworking his players yet fold whenever he is in dire circumstances.

At the end of this abysmal season he stepped away from the Heat bench to go on scouting trips. Isn't that what scouts are for? Long trips away from the headache you made is just the way to flourish your hall of fame image.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Mr. Tejada I Presume?

Well I may be a little late to the Miggie party but I wanted to chime in on the peculiarity. Not only did the bomb drop last week that Miguel Tejada is in fact 33 and not 31, but he isn't even Miguel Tejada. Who did the Houston Astros sign? Well, none other than Miguel Tejeda.

Well I ask you as an astute observer, Where do the lies stop? It may be that Mr. Tejeda may have lied about taking steroids. I now don't know what or who to believe. What if Miguel Tejada doesn't even play shortstop. What then? What if it turns out he isn't even Dominican? My god, what if it turns out that Miguel Tejada is left handed Mexican hitter Karim Garcia?
Think about it. Karim Garcia was supposed to be the best thing to come out of Mexico since ponchos and diarrhea. But he never amounted to a hill of pinto beans. Have you ever noticed that Miguel Tejada/Tejeda and Karim Garcia never played at that same time? Me neither. I never bothered to notice. Perhaps Miguel "Karim Garcia" Tejada/Tejeda wanted it that way. Think about it. When is a left handed slugger who can't hit that ball not a left handed slugger who can't hit the ball? Exactly.

Thursday, April 17, 2008


So the 2007-2008 NBA season is in the books. The great thing about the NBA playoffs is that when they finish it's time to do my Christmas shopping. These things are long. It's as if the NBA wants us to lose interest. A Suns-Lakers, Kobe V. Shaq, matchup would be great. If it happens it will not be for another month or so. If the finals go a full seven games these playoffs will last a full two months.

The first round starts on April 19th. If any of these go a full seven they will last till May 3rd-4th. Yes that is indeed two fucking weeks. Who is serious here? I will tell you who is serious, the NBA. They will drag out this playoff thing as long as they need to. Please take a look at the first round and join me in a genuine WTF moment. Yes most series will play their second game Monday or Tuesday and then skip 2-3 days and play on Thursday or Friday. In the case of the Lakers/Nuggets, they play game one Sunday...DO NOT TRAVEL...then play three days later on Wednesday.

The NFL plays one game a week and still manages to get to their Finals in a little over a month. Major League Baseball gets to the series in three weeks after the end of the season. And hockey, well hockey is really only celebrated by Canadians and this guy. So we will just skip them.

My main problem is that the NBA game could be so good. Perhaps if the refs swallowed their whistles, the players were slightly less bitchy, flops were non-existent, and they played maybe two games in three days. Shit did I just describe the NCAA tournament?

I know my pleas will go unheeded as my readership consists of my mom and some guy who was actually looking for asian chicks on the web and came across this fiasco. Well I will watch anyway, but I will not be happy about it. I'll see you on the other side of the playoffs. We will all be a little older, a little wiser, and very glad it is all over.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Food for Thought

Juan in a Million
CNNSI had a great article today. Basically it outlined the worst free agent signings of the past few years. It got me thinking about the worst signing that almost was. After having a horrible season in 2000, the Detroit Tigers offered Juan Gonzalez an 8 year 150 million dollar contract the next year. Mr. Gonzalez, being a shrewd business man, declined the ill-advised offer. Had the honorable Juan-Gone been a human with logical decision making abilities he would have accepted and the Tigers would still be paying him. Imagine how bad the Tigers would be then. They wouldn't have Miguel "one more burrito" Cabrera or Gary "i used to hit real well huh?" Sheffield. As it is they are sitting at 4-10. Perhaps they need to look again at Juan Gonzalez. It couldn't hurt at this stage.

Barry Sucks
Barry "the one that should probably start taking steroids" Zito was recently quoted after a loss "It's just a fine line, I feel good about the way I'm throwing and have to stick with that." I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that the problem is exactly the way you are pitching. Maybe pitch a little faster than 84. But good signing Sabean.

While we are at it. Jered Weaver's brother has a job now. Too bad for the Brewers that his job consists of pitching. Does anyone check resumes anymore? I would definitely double check Jeff Weaver's references. At least he only has a minor league contract. However, I would be more than happy to give up home runs for half of his $12000 a month salary.

Woo Hoo
In exciting Dodger news, Nomar has been activated. Awesome, if you need me I'll be over here rolling my eyes. Is it me or should Nomar and J.D. Drew do commercials for Blue Cross. Either way I have a strong feeling there is a nice hamstring injury due to the former batting champ soon.

Monday, April 7, 2008

An open letter to The San Francisco Giants

I am a Dodgers fan. Have been all my life. This fact insinuates one blaring reality. I hate you. Well I do. But it is getting kinda hard to keep up my hatred for a team that very well may lose 100 games for the first time in their history. I want to hate you like I did when you lost in awesome fashion to the Angels in the Series. I want to mock you. But alas you take all the fun out of it.

In fact I want you to get better. I really do. Every time I boo you I feel like a bully picking on a paraplegic one armed hooker with a nasty bout of syphilis. In effect you are completely useless. I keep checking the ESPN sports wire to see if Sabean has signed on Timmy and Jimmy to run the middle of the infield.

But before you call me racist, I have a friend that is a Giants fan. He related to me that their season was really resting on Kevin Frandsen and it was tough when he went down. I will neglect to tout that fact in deference to the Giants ineptitude and instead focus on the Giants four spot slugger, Bengie Molina. The man did have a magical year last year and posted a career high 19 home runs. But I do have to believe that 19 solo shots with no one on base this year is not going to do it for the Bay Area. Can't you guys get a person from the stands to throw up some of the same numbers you put on the field. Promotion Idea? Just think about it.

Question: Is Brian Sabean choosing his team by randomly selecting baseball cards? Maybe he is trying to get the attendance so low he can move the team to Miami. Perhaps his next signings will be of the Pedro Cerrano or Tom Berenger ilk. Well I say Kudos as long as Lethal Weapon 2's Rene Russo is thrown into the mix.

I want to reach out to my friends from the foggy North. I want you to be good enough to ridicule. As it is, I kinda feel bad hating you. How about I say I don't Like you very much and we can call it at that for the season. Please get well soon.



P.S. Go get 'em guys. YAY! YOU GUYS! All right!!!

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Oh to be Matt Leinart

I am a little befuddled this morning and that does not happen often. Sometimes I am fuddled, actually quite often. But nonetheless, I woke up this morning with ESPN covering a story about Matt Leinart and his SHOCKING pictures. I capitalized shocking to illustrate just how shocking and dangerous his actions were.

Matt Leinart, a quarterback in the National Football League, was getting drunk with women...and having a good time. Not only was he partying. He had the nerve to look like he was having a good time. The fact remains that Mr. Leinart is a professional athlete that should be having lots of gratuitous sex with many many women especially in the off season and especially because I am not. In fact I don't care that his back up and now starting QB Kurt Warner salvaged their miserable season. Warner never let loose because he happens to be married. Married by chance to a lady I happen to be quite terrified of. My point is Kurt Warner wasted his peek years on hard work and getting it done. He should have been taking more beer bongs with bloated chicks.

I find no wrong in what Matt Leinart has done or will do. Mainly due to the fact he plays on a team in Phoenix no one really cares about. But what I really wanted to say is please, for the love of Christ, stop covering football in April. It makes no sense Sportscenter.