Fantasy Football

So, tonight is my annual fantasy football draft.  It is not my favorite night.  A friend once asked me to explain the intricacies of the National Football League.  I relayed that a douche bag that is infected with entirely too much self worth throws an irritatingly odd shaped ball across the field to an even bigger douche bag with the ego the size of my tummy.  He catches this ball and runs past the safety who is just as fast as the douche bag that caught the ball but he doesn't know how to catch so the coaches put him on defense.  So his job is to tackle the the doucher with the ball.  They do this all game until the guy who majored in accounting comes and kicks a ball between two sticks.  The game ends when one of the players robs someone or shoots themselves in the leg with a concealed pistol.  Hall of Famers are allowed to engage in statutory rape where appropriate.

But all this is not my beef with the NFL and fantasy drafting. These are:

1) Forcing a Statistics based game into the NFL format.  Granted this works for offense, albeit not very well.  But then they throw defense in as one small, general entity of a football game.  I think the 2005 Steelers would argue that defense makes up a bigger role than just one of eight specialized fantasy roles.

2) Injuries - The biggest complaint about fantasy baseball is that it takes too long.  Well football may be played once a week but everyday one of my players is subjected to turf toe, abdominal strain, or just plain homesickness.  Well I am tired of it.  Not because I have to put in Pierre Garcon for Hines Ward every other day but because the NFL gives you cute little terms for how hurt a player is.  I get IR (injured reserve), NA (not active), O (out) but the rest just frustrate. 

   Day-to-Day - This means one of two things.  Either your featured back is going through an amputation and the team is disguising his horrible injury as a day-to-day phenomena or he is completely fine and they want you to think he is impaled with something painful.  It is rarely an actual day-to-day phenomena.

   Doubtful -  adj. Not known with certainty: As in - Felix Jones was listed as doubtful so I kept him out of my lineup.  He then ran for 500 yards and ended world hunger so I lost my weekly match-up to Teabaggers Anonymous. 

   Probable - adj. Likely to be the case or to happen: As in - Visanthe Shiancoe is listed as probable.  I can be 100% sure that he will play which makes the probable label a misnomer and he should be fucking listed as "totes."

   Questionable -adj. inviting inquiry As in:  Rex Ryan labeled Mark Sanchez as questionable this week.  Rex Ryan is fat and I wish he would be more direct with his status of his players ability to play. 

All this means is that you can't trust if your stud wide out is going to play, play well, or even show up.  So you scour new sources every minute to gauge if the injury report is erroneous, fact, or somewhere in between. 

3) Crime - This one is bigger than you think.  Nowhere else in sports do you have to draft with the assumption that your player may or may not be at some point in the year speeding across state lines with a dead body in the trunk.  Please draft players with a little to no predilection to break federal and state crimes between September and January.

 4) Kickers - Really.  I have to really draft a kicker.  These guys are semi-football players at best.  You are telling me they hold almost the same weight as defense?  I thought it sucked giant donkey nuts drafting three closers in baseball but drafting one kicker in any round just feels like...Well it feels a little like dying.  I don't like that feeling and I don't like you Akers.

With that I hope to wake up tomorrow with the Rams defense solidly in tow and my first weekly match up to be against the Walla Walla Up Your Butts.  They after all make the Justin Bieber Reduxes look like the Frosted Corn Holes.  At least in my league they do.