Laker Bandwagon Getting Full

All Aboard

The NBA playoffs are a lot like pregnancy. You are excited at first then after nine months you just want to get it over with. The interim is spent on the couch being all gassy.

What some sports would consider the length of a regular season, the NBA considers brief enough for a post season. And here we are at the tail end of it. After 40 games in 40 nights we now have two teams vying for the trophy.

Try as ESPN might to pit this as a Kobe vs. Dwight series, the crucial battle will come down to Lamar/Ariza vs. Turkoglu/Lewis. I guess I could go on spouting statistics and predictions, but I am little irked today.

You see whenever the Lakers make it deep in the playoffs, fair weather fans come out of the woodwork to glom onto the party train. It starts innocent enough, a Laker flag here and a mention of Kobe there. Sure we can all take pride in in DJ Mbenga's disproportionately small head. And yes we can all bask in the glory of Kobe's farts. But it ain't all gravy. Being a complete dork of a fan, I watch all season and revel in both the good and the outright stinky.

Most bandwagoners fail to realize that a little over two years ago Kobe Bryant was determined to run Andrew Bynum out of town. Purple and Gold morale was at an untimely low. The Lakers looked more like the pack that ran with Del Harris then those that capped off a three peat of titles earlier in the decade. There were no tacos at the end of games. A sigh and sense of a relief were our only reward.

Then it all started to come together. That Bynum kid was alright. The Lakers got some momentum going and a playoff berth seemed inevitable. Then tragedy hit. You don't know what it feels like when your young center goes down twice, in the same month, in consecutive years, to the same team. You feel jinxed, You feel doomed.

Then like a spanish Jesus Pau came to save the day. The he ruined the party by getting dunked on frequently in the finals last year. Look, you haven't spent game after game yelling at Lamar Odom for being a no show, then applauding his immense talent, in the same game! Maybe you have witnessed Pau and his offensive prowess. But I know you bandwagoners look away when he diminishes on the defensive end. I do not. I take it all in; every basket, every tech, every 20 point blow out, every 20 point drubbing.

So please forgive me if become a little annoyed at the person on the street wearing a Laker shirt today when yesterday they didn't know when the Finals started. I'm not saying you have to wear purple everyday, just be able to name the last second-round draft pick to start a playoff game for the Lakers. That will do.

There they are folks. They range in intimidation factor from hardened criminal to IT administrative assistant. Let's have fun!

Becoming a Fan

I've been a soccer fan for a few years now and have followed Chelsea for that same amount of time. I have always considered myself one of the Chelsea faithful but have not been so convinced of that fact until today.

Growing up around sports I find it is easy to follow your team when the going is good and the wins are easy. Living in L.A. I may have become a Dodgers and Lakers fan regardless of winning percentage. But the fact that my developmental years were spent watching around the back passes from Magic to Worthy and shutout innings being thrown by Orel Hershiser made it easier to fall in love with those teams.

Yet you never feel quite complete as a fan until your team loses a big game. You never truly understand what the rooting did to you emotionally and physically. You back a team through the thick and stick with them through the thin because that is your conviction and that is who you choose to trust. When the people you trust break your heart you know you are invested for life.

I remember 1989 and the Piston's sweep of the Lakers in the finals. Being nine at the time I don't mind telling you I cried that night. I remember the ineptitude of the early ninety Dodgers teams. They had me holding onto the dream that we could repeat the miracle of '88.

At almost thirty years old, I had the same experience yet again. Nil-nil going into today's second leg semi-final, Chelsea lost in injury time to Barcelona. They finished ninety minutes as the assured finalists in this years Champions League final match. They came within a minute and a half of completing something worthwhile to a lackluster season. As does happen so often in sport. The unexpected happenened.

Barcelona scored with little time left in injury time allowing them to go ahead in the tie breaker scenario. When Iniesta connected with the ball my heartbroke. In so many of these events in my life. I know when the inevitable is about to happen. As the ball swept passed Cech's outstretched arm I buried my head in my hands in disgust.

I can take refuge in the fact that I am part of a faithful of Chelsea fan that felt the same way today. I can take soalce in the fact that we will have no alternative but wait until next season to root again. I can take pride in the fact that there is nothing more I can do about the pain. I am a Chelsea fan after all.

Weekend Tacos

A Saturday so filled with amazing sport is usually saved for late March. Though in May, tomorrow should give us ample opportunity to sit on the couch and not move for three or ten hours. So here are the top three tacos to watch Saturday, complete with which method of drink you should be pounding.

135th Kentucky Derby
The main race should be around 3PST. So my morning may consist of looking for ingredients for my mint julep and a very large hat. This may be a tight one as there are no clear cut favorites this time around. The early favorite is 'I want Revenge' who is now going off at 3-1. The most interesting horse is the colt 'Pioneer of the Nile.' He has the strength and longevity to finish but has only been a turf or synthetic surface horse until now. If he transitions to dirt well he may be near the top at the turn.

What to drink
Mint Julep There is something sophisticated yet down home about a mint julep. In fact its the only cocktail that you can sip while wearning boxers and no shirt and still be snooty about it.

The Game Seven to end all Game Sevens
Ever since Game six between the Boston Celtics and the Chicago Bulls occurred every sports pundit has touted this series as the greatest thing to happen since late night spaghetti bowls before bed. It has been a great series. But the fact remains that the winner will still lose to Cleveland eventually. However, because almost every game this series has been a close, hard hitting, controversy inducing match up, I will not miss seven. Well at least not the fourth quarter.

What to Drink
Because of the location, you have to go Sam Adams. By now you should have a euphoric feeling of malaise. It's ok tomorrow is Sunday and you have nothing to do.

Pacquiao v. Hatton
Last time I saw Pacquiao fighting he was beating up a poor old Mexican lady. No one seemed to care either. They just allowed the Phillipino pugilist to land blow after blow on the defenseless Oscar Dela Hoya. It was a scary sight but I couldn't divert my eyes. PacMan's complete beat down on Dela Hoya illustrated his veracity at pretty much any weight class. I would be ready to bet the farm on his ability to dismantle Hatton if it weren't for Floyd Mayweather Sr. and his dedication to defense. Hatton has always been a puncher that would come at you and worry about the repercussions later. Having a stiff chin and deft swing allows that. However, this fight is different. Pacquaio can fly around the ring and will most assuredly get his punches in. If Hatton learned to dodge this late in his career this may just be better than the beating of an old Mexican I saw last year.

What to Drink
San Miguel or Guinness - Then take a nap.

Yankees to sign Lord and Savior

New York, New York
by Gabriel Zaldivar

It seems the rich just keep getting richer. It looks as though the New York Yankees will have the aid of yet another veteran journeyman. Jesus Christ of heaven has reportedly signed a seven-year, 180 million dollar contract.

Jesus "el saviorrrr" Christ has been a symbol of peace and goodwill for over 2,000 years. On the recent move Jesus relayed "It sorta just fell into place you know? I never really wanted to play in New York with all the hustle and bustle but come on 180 mil?"

Some critics see the acquisition as yet further evidence to the Yankees evil empire stature. Boston native, Red Sox fan, and all-around nice guy Jimmy Durantes was quoted as saying, "Jesus (expletive deleted), I don't (expletive deleted) what he or any other (expletive deleted) at your (expletive deleted) mother," which pretty much sums up the feelings across the nation.

Yankees GM Brian Cashman seemed thoroughly pleased with his signing. It seems, however, that their pursuit of high priced talent may not be over, "We like Jesus. So we got Jesus. But we are always looking to bolster our lineup. We have been talking to the likes of Buddha, Muhammad, and whomever the Jews have been waiting around for. As the GM of the Yankees it really is my job to sign everyone in the whole entire universe!"

Jesus Christ is expected to make his first press conference on Monday. "You know I rest on Sunday, so I'll see you all after the weekend. I can't wait to put on the famed uniform...not to be an asshole but I look pretty good in pinstripes." Yes you do Jesus, Yes you do.

De La Hoya v. Pacquiao

I remember growing up and watching fights with my dad. The family would gather around and eat pizza and watch artistic pugilists enact a time honored sport. However, the amount of fights that garnered my father's will to purchase pay-per-view grew less and less. Sadly, my will to sit around and watch TV while eating has only grown.

Boxing is a dying sport. It would be easy to defer blame to MMA and it's growth in the past decade. This would ignore the fact that Boxing has been in decline for a number of years. Most attribute this to two glaring inadequacies in the boxing arena.

1) Less quality fighters are born and raised in America. There are currently no American heavyweight title holders. This is the class that once sold tickets and pay-per-views with ease. Marketing a title belt between a Russian and Nigerian presents a marketing nightmare, unless you are going for the eastern european/ fly swatting demographic.

2) There are too many belts and too little talent. Currently there are four roundly recognized boxing organizations that present titles. The WBO, IBF, WBC, and WBA create such a problem to unified acceptance of relevance that fighters would rather chase a big pay day than a title shot. In this regard modern boxing has become a giant game of Pokemon.

What to look for...

Pacquiao has never fought above 135. Going up a notch takes some sting away from your punches and tends to make solid chins a little less so.

De la Hoya tends to get lulled to sleep when he has to chase a fighter, so it goes without saying that Pacquiao's up close fight style could run detriment to the Filipino. He will be inside with speed but very susceptible to a jab that has been absent from De la Hoya's more recent fights.

Many think this will be something of a a show as both fighters will initiate contact. You never can tell though.

The fight against Floyd Mayweather Jr. was supposed to be this century's first great one. It turned out to be a strategic snooze fest. Not many realize this but that fight actually ended after I passed out from a mysterious Coor's Light sickness. Friendly advice, do not play a drinking game which entails drinking whenever Larry Merchant says something either stoopid or borderline retarded.

Bits of Tid III

Just Say No

I love sports. I love athletes. I want to meet athletes. However, if a present or former NFL player ever asks you to hang out, just say no. It has become blatantly obvious to me that NFL players are the rootinest, tootinest people on earth. When they aren't shooting people, dogs, or drugs, they are shooting themselves. So as you enter the weekend, remember to have fun. But most importantly remember, if you see a NFL player, past or present, go home. Some stuff is about to occur.

Keep Your Day Job

After Nordberg was sentenced today, every news organization rushed to give the waiting public some semblance of years that would be served. What became clear was the fact that news organizations are not good with numbers. Three hours later I am still unable to decipher just how long Nordberg will be serving time in jail for beating up Rodney King. All I know is Naked Gun was an awesome trilogy and O.J. can kidnap me anytime. Well at least when he gets out in five, or six, or fifteen, or sixteen, or 33 years.

Holidays!

As the holiday season progresses and the wintry temperature in L.A. dips well below 80 degrees I become entranced in what is soon to be. My predictions for the next couple weeks:

I will gain weight and not realize it until I fall asleep one day from "too many cookies."

America's team, The Dallas Cowboys, will fail to make the playoffs as a special pre-Christmas gift to those Americans that never ever considered this team to be "America's team."

I will wish I had more Mexican friends to watch holiday soccer with.

Manny Ramirez will sign with the Anaheim Angels as the Dodgers look to over pay for someone past their prime.

My readership will jump to two as I decide to read my own blogs.

Baseball Lunacy

As MLB playoffs kickoff, I would like to say fare thee well to the regular season. You see sometime around February I start to feel a little restless about going to see live baseball. The food, the sounds, the smells, the game itself; these are all things I look forward to.

There are of course various idiosyncrasies I could do without. So it is now that I take a look at the various items Major League Baseball must address before next season.

The Beach Ball

If walking down the street I am hit in the head with a beach ball I am usually surprised and annoyed. If I am at a baseball game I widely expect that I will not only have a beach ball in my proximity but human adults will climb over seats and people to try and hit it. The beach ball itself does not bother me. It is the look in the eye of a grown man hitting a beach ball at a live event. The shear joy and amazement in their face should really only be enjoyed by a five year old catching a soap bubble on their nose.

Audience Depth Perception

This is my favorite. Anytime there is a fly ball to any part of the outfield, the majority of the paid attendance stands up and expects a home run. A routine pop up is always followed by a surprised sigh from the crowd. Did our ability to tell the flight of a spherical object get taken at the gate? Please in the future, make note of the outfielders for home run potential. Just a hint.

The Wave

When I was a little boy I used to like seeing 'The Wave.' It was awesome to see so many people unify and perform one. I also thought The Lost Boys was a sensational movie so taste really was not my strong suit.

Has no one but me tired of 'The Wave?' It really does nothing for me now. I think around age 10 I lost the whole "Wow, that really looks like a wave" feeling. Now when there is wave I can be assured that I will miss either a double play, strikeout, double, or something of note just because the guy in front of me stands up at a crucial time.

I guess what I am wondering is how we regress 40 IQ points the minute we enter the stadium gates. Logic and good sense go out the window. Going to see baseball game takes an extreme amount of self convincing in various areas. I have to disregard the idiocy of paying $15 for three hours of parking, $10 bucks for a domestic beer, and then being forced to pee in a urinal trough like I was a barn animal. But all in all, I will do it. Because in a month, baseball will be gone. A month later I will forget all about the crowd peccadilloes and will be filled with a yearning for another season. Here is to that feeling.