The Winter Olympics started this weekend and women all over the world lost their shit. In what can only be described as a mix of a Taylor Swift concert with a Twilight premier combined with Brad Pitt sensibilities, Couples Figure Skaters engaged in the short program this weekend.
Husbands, boyfriends, and overzealous single men will be forced to “pay attention to how graceful that is” for the next fortnight. Known to some as the World Cup for Vaginas, Figure Skating is rocking the foundation of what is normal in everyday society.
Many men find they may feel like complete idiots for the next week or so. With no idea of how figure skaters are scored, men are relegated to such phrases as:
“Wow.”
“They really stuck that landing.”
“I can see that guy’s package.”
“Isn’t’ Project Runway on?”
Meanwhile, women will relay that that “Zayak Rule” disallows skaters from repeating the same triple or quadruple jump continuously in their free skating program.
Well, I have to go now. My petite female counterpart just polished off the last chicken wing and went into the bathroom with the Sunday paper. I’m off to do the dishes now. She doesn’t appreciate what I do around here anymore.
I can’t wait for baseball season.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Around the Association FebRUary 16
Well, we are sneaking up to trade deadline time. This usually means a great deal of rumors with most, if not all, never panning out. Some years, the trade deadline buzz flat out fails to deliver. It is following that same path this year. While talk of Amare to Cleveland or Ray Allen being exiled abound, we are left with some lack luster news. The Clippers got rid of Marcus Camby for Scott Blake and Travis outlaw.
While the trade does get the Blazers a Center that isn’t currently in crutches or naked on the internet, it doesn’t lift them in the playoff picture at all. From the Clippers standpoint…I actually stopped caring mid-sentence there.
Meanwhile some teams are on the hot seat to make a trade. Boston is going through some growing pains. They seem to be a bit old or dysfunctional to challenge for the title as they are currently designed. I guess things look that way when you lose half time leads to the lowly Hornets. They are kind of like Carrie Fisher in When Harry Met Sally. You could see the inevitable aging happen right on the screen. So it is with the Celtics. With every game, they are looking more and more like a middle-aged white woman.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
The Do Ron-Ron
If you’re anything like me you have been waiting patiently for a blow up from Ron Artest. We were almost treated to one late last week. Ron-Ron took offense to being held up by Joey Graham and almost socked his face.
The above clip is particularly delightful for a number of reasons. My favorites are as follows:
Joel Myers reaction of “ooo” when Artest spun and fired the haymaker is priceless. In that instant he was really saying. “No Ron, for the love of god they will suspend you for the entire season!”
But what is magical is the debate between Stu Lantz, the color commentator for the Lakers and Joel Myers on why there was a technical. When Myers fails to illustrate that almost hitting someone with a closed fist isn’t enough, they decide it’s the playful shove of the face that did it in the end.
Either way I am now glued to the TV for every game, as I am sure Artest is one ticky-tack foul away from going mailman on everyone.
The above clip is particularly delightful for a number of reasons. My favorites are as follows:
Joel Myers reaction of “ooo” when Artest spun and fired the haymaker is priceless. In that instant he was really saying. “No Ron, for the love of god they will suspend you for the entire season!”
But what is magical is the debate between Stu Lantz, the color commentator for the Lakers and Joel Myers on why there was a technical. When Myers fails to illustrate that almost hitting someone with a closed fist isn’t enough, they decide it’s the playful shove of the face that did it in the end.
Either way I am now glued to the TV for every game, as I am sure Artest is one ticky-tack foul away from going mailman on everyone.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Around the Association - Jan 25th
All-Stars
Proving once again that the general populace can be trusted with not even the slightest of responsibilities, Allen Iverson was voted into the Eastern Conference All-Stars. The NBA did side step embarrassment when Tracy McGrady was finally outpaced in voting. This did not deter the public at large from voting in Iverson as a starter in this year’s festivities. Granted the East is this year’s equivalent of the short yellow bus, but there are more deserving guards in the Association.
Iverson has played a grand total of 19 games. Those 19 games were not grand or spectacular. Allen Iverson is a mediocre player attempting 14 shots a night. What happened to the glory days of chucking up 25-30 a game? Diminished skills are not the only reason he should be watching from home February 14th. Karma should have a say as well. He mentally and physically quit on the Grizzlies forcing them to trade him away. Time and again this type of action gets rewarded in sports. Iverson gets a homecoming to the team that started his career, as well as an undeserved All-Star bid.
Blake Griffin
Blake had successful knee surgery which will keep him resting 4-6 months. He hopes to be back and training by summer. This should give him ample time to get well enough to re-injure himself before the start of the 2010-2011 season.
Dunks
This week, the lineup for the Slam Dunk contest was finalized. It is by far the worst lineup to date. All participants can dunk with creativity I am sure. But there is not a celebrity amongst them. Nate Robinson will return, again. It was tremendous to see what he did the first and second times around. But I get it now. You’re small. You dunk. Congratulations!
In what reeks of desperation, the NBA will have a dunk off between Eric Gordon and DeMar DeRozan for the final dunk spot. Really, a play-in game for the Dunk Contest. How has the play-in idea worked for the NCAA?
Proving once again that the general populace can be trusted with not even the slightest of responsibilities, Allen Iverson was voted into the Eastern Conference All-Stars. The NBA did side step embarrassment when Tracy McGrady was finally outpaced in voting. This did not deter the public at large from voting in Iverson as a starter in this year’s festivities. Granted the East is this year’s equivalent of the short yellow bus, but there are more deserving guards in the Association.
Iverson has played a grand total of 19 games. Those 19 games were not grand or spectacular. Allen Iverson is a mediocre player attempting 14 shots a night. What happened to the glory days of chucking up 25-30 a game? Diminished skills are not the only reason he should be watching from home February 14th. Karma should have a say as well. He mentally and physically quit on the Grizzlies forcing them to trade him away. Time and again this type of action gets rewarded in sports. Iverson gets a homecoming to the team that started his career, as well as an undeserved All-Star bid.
Blake Griffin
Blake had successful knee surgery which will keep him resting 4-6 months. He hopes to be back and training by summer. This should give him ample time to get well enough to re-injure himself before the start of the 2010-2011 season.
Dunks
This week, the lineup for the Slam Dunk contest was finalized. It is by far the worst lineup to date. All participants can dunk with creativity I am sure. But there is not a celebrity amongst them. Nate Robinson will return, again. It was tremendous to see what he did the first and second times around. But I get it now. You’re small. You dunk. Congratulations!
In what reeks of desperation, the NBA will have a dunk off between Eric Gordon and DeMar DeRozan for the final dunk spot. Really, a play-in game for the Dunk Contest. How has the play-in idea worked for the NCAA?
Monday, January 4, 2010
Agent Zero Saga
The truth finally came out about the Gilbert Arenas saga. He is a prop comic. Agent Zero’s side of the story is that he was joking around with Javaris Crittenton when he invited him to choose one of three guns owned by Gilbert Arenas. Here are some questions I need answered:
Why three guns? Plaxico Buress saw fit to shoot himself in the leg with one gun. I am sure that Arenas could have done enough joke telling with one, maybe two guns. For me, three was a little hacky. Why not wear rainbow suspenders at that point.
Why have guns in the locker room? His statement is that he wanted to keep his four guns away from his children. For this reason, he moved only three of them to the locker room in D.C. I can only speculate that he kept a gun at his home in case he wanted to pull out any gun toting humor within the confines of his domicile.
Why resort to gun possession as a means to demean Crittenton? I for one could have seen a very brief but jarring exchange where Arenas, who allegedly welched on a bet, resorts to NBA name-calling. Crittenton does average 13 minutes and 5 points per game on his very short career.
This is a very humorous scenario where one very rich egomaniac bought a gun one day. Then he bought another, then another, then another. He found himself bored to death with not being able to use the damn things so he did the next best thing. He showed them off. If I know David Stern like I know I do, this will be the last thing he shows in a locker room for quite a while.
Why three guns? Plaxico Buress saw fit to shoot himself in the leg with one gun. I am sure that Arenas could have done enough joke telling with one, maybe two guns. For me, three was a little hacky. Why not wear rainbow suspenders at that point.
Why have guns in the locker room? His statement is that he wanted to keep his four guns away from his children. For this reason, he moved only three of them to the locker room in D.C. I can only speculate that he kept a gun at his home in case he wanted to pull out any gun toting humor within the confines of his domicile.
Why resort to gun possession as a means to demean Crittenton? I for one could have seen a very brief but jarring exchange where Arenas, who allegedly welched on a bet, resorts to NBA name-calling. Crittenton does average 13 minutes and 5 points per game on his very short career.
This is a very humorous scenario where one very rich egomaniac bought a gun one day. Then he bought another, then another, then another. He found himself bored to death with not being able to use the damn things so he did the next best thing. He showed them off. If I know David Stern like I know I do, this will be the last thing he shows in a locker room for quite a while.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Around the Association - December 17th
Kobe is playing with stomach aches and broken fingers. Referees are missing blatant calls and calling ones that don’t exist. It must be another week in the NBA.
Kobe
Kobe had 42 points against the Bulls Tuesday night - not very impressive for a man with his skill set. What is astonishing is that he did it with a fractured finger on his shooting hand. What is even more remarkable is that he was having er, um, digestive problems all day. I remember I ate a bad calzone once. I immediately lost five pounds, shook uncontrollably, and slept for a week. Kobe Bryant decided to drop 40 points on the Bulls while his stomach had the taco gurgles. Oh the next day he hit the game winner against the Bucks. I am definitely underachieving in life.
Hall-of-Fame
Jerry Colangelo, Naismith's newly elected chairman of the board is toying with the notion of allowing the fans and media to have a say in who makes it into the Basketball Hall-of-Fame. He said the fans would be “involved,” which many are hoping means the results would be made public much like the NBA and MLB do. What makes me cringe is having the fans actually have even a modicum of say in who makes it into the Hall. These are the people that are voting Tracy McGrady into 2nd place in All-Star voting this year. This just in, T-Mac has not played at all this season.
Creamsicles
Kevin Durant unveiled his new line of Basketball shoes in a game against Dallas Wednesday night. They look as if Nike went to Nerf and said gives us the first thing that comes to mind. I tried to watch the game but between Durant bricking shots and the whole team wearing these atrocities my eyes stopped working for two hours. I didn’t go blind necessarily. My eyes just refused to capture the images on the screen. It was actually the only pleasant part of the game.
Kobe
Kobe had 42 points against the Bulls Tuesday night - not very impressive for a man with his skill set. What is astonishing is that he did it with a fractured finger on his shooting hand. What is even more remarkable is that he was having er, um, digestive problems all day. I remember I ate a bad calzone once. I immediately lost five pounds, shook uncontrollably, and slept for a week. Kobe Bryant decided to drop 40 points on the Bulls while his stomach had the taco gurgles. Oh the next day he hit the game winner against the Bucks. I am definitely underachieving in life.
Hall-of-Fame
Jerry Colangelo, Naismith's newly elected chairman of the board is toying with the notion of allowing the fans and media to have a say in who makes it into the Basketball Hall-of-Fame. He said the fans would be “involved,” which many are hoping means the results would be made public much like the NBA and MLB do. What makes me cringe is having the fans actually have even a modicum of say in who makes it into the Hall. These are the people that are voting Tracy McGrady into 2nd place in All-Star voting this year. This just in, T-Mac has not played at all this season.
Creamsicles
Kevin Durant unveiled his new line of Basketball shoes in a game against Dallas Wednesday night. They look as if Nike went to Nerf and said gives us the first thing that comes to mind. I tried to watch the game but between Durant bricking shots and the whole team wearing these atrocities my eyes stopped working for two hours. I didn’t go blind necessarily. My eyes just refused to capture the images on the screen. It was actually the only pleasant part of the game.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Always Interesting
When certain athletes take to the podium they excite well beyond any news conference should. Allen Iverson is one of those athletes. Possibly outdoing his “practice” rant, Allen Iverson openly wept at the prospect of becoming a 76er yet again. He is happy. Philadelphia wants him back. Win-Win, Case closed right?
This might be the case if Iverson were a different person, but he is not. You can be assured; A.I. will take 25 shots a night and completely forget that there is a specific offense in place. He will force one on one situations multiple times a game. The coaching staff will boil and this will only be the start.
Once Lou Williams comes back from a broken jaw, the decision by Eddie Jordan to bench or start Iverson will commence. That is when we will find whether Iverson has truly changed or not.
I haven’t been the biggest Shaquille O’Neal supporter but his recent stint with the Cavs illustrates how the aging athlete should act. He accepts his role as role player to LeBron James. Iverson should realize that his best days are behind him and he should play for team first. It may be something he has never done but it is the only way he stretches this one year contract into another payday. My favorite quote from the day was “I want to retire here.” Well you may have to buddy. No NBA team wants a former All Star that causes headaches instead of producing wins.
This might be the case if Iverson were a different person, but he is not. You can be assured; A.I. will take 25 shots a night and completely forget that there is a specific offense in place. He will force one on one situations multiple times a game. The coaching staff will boil and this will only be the start.
Once Lou Williams comes back from a broken jaw, the decision by Eddie Jordan to bench or start Iverson will commence. That is when we will find whether Iverson has truly changed or not.
I haven’t been the biggest Shaquille O’Neal supporter but his recent stint with the Cavs illustrates how the aging athlete should act. He accepts his role as role player to LeBron James. Iverson should realize that his best days are behind him and he should play for team first. It may be something he has never done but it is the only way he stretches this one year contract into another payday. My favorite quote from the day was “I want to retire here.” Well you may have to buddy. No NBA team wants a former All Star that causes headaches instead of producing wins.
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